December 09 - Oh hurry up, go will you!

Another entry and so soon after the last one. Well it is the time of year I dislike for numerous reasons and just cannot wait for it to disappear. Yes I’m not a Christmas person as the real meaning of it went out the window, many, many moons ago! In the circumstances and within myself, I find it harder to get out as I cannot be bothered with the extra hassle involved in mixing with crowds of people, transport and all that. As if everyone goes loopy or something - why? With this in mind, I’ve made the decision not to go out again until after Christmas when hopefully I will join Diana for her birthday celebrations! This decision has not been taken lightly as I love to be KD everyday of the week but it is going to be hard & frustrating over the next couple of weeks for the real me not to make an appearance.

Over the last week or so, I have come across, many happy stories relating to other Tgirl friends and how they are enjoying themselves in getting out and about in the big wide world. I often wonder it would be nice if I could join them but sadly if don’t seem to happen. You think reading / hearing these stories would inspire you to greater things? Yes for some it would, for others including myself, it is the opposite, it just depresses me as I seem to be left on the shelf. Although I accept it is a two way thing, it is very rare nowadays that anyone ever ask me if I like to come or go out with them? Yes on some occasions, it wont be possible but other occasions, may be the opportunity is there, I just never know! Am I such bad boring company or they think I’ve got a hectic life style, that I don’t need invites or whatever? In fact does anyone ever ask how I am (besides when I’m out very occasionally)? Don’t be stupid KD!! Sorry to the people who are reading this (is there anyone?) but that is how I feel at the moment, a little sad and sometimes lonely. I’m sure some of you feel like that from time to time, so there you go!

I had my last IPL session last week, certainly for the foreseeable future as I no longer have spare funds to continue. Further more, I think I need a break and allow my face a breathing space for a while and let it calm down. Currently there has been some improvement but there are still one or two niggling areas but these will be reassess sometime in the future and subject to funds, further sessions required. On the bright side, a breather from the “ouch” factor.

Now roll on the new year and see what that brings!

December 09 - Reflective mood.

Half way through the month and making an entry on my blog already. May be because I’m in reflective mood and looking back on my last two outings which were only a week apart.

After a couple of months, manage to go out with a good friend last Wed (2nd) and manage to play catch up on each other’s lives. We headed for the Curry Mile and a nice meal before we visited the Village to play catch up with any friends who may be there. During the evening, as usual we chatted about numerous things including personal mattes but here is not the place to discuss those things. An enjoyable night was had but the following day, I finally realise to myself that I’m unable to help my friend with any words of wisdom or advice as our paths are now definitely going separate ways. Alas I must accept that I am unable to fully understand her situation, not because I don’t wish too but because I’m not going down the TS route and therefore can not know or even attempt to appreciate what she is going through now. This does mean I don’t care but quite the opposite but leaves me in a position that all I can offer is to remain being good friends. I feel sad about this but that is life for you, it happens from time from time but at least she knows I’m there if she ever wants to talk, support or needs assistance. May be that is good enough in the circumstances?

Wednesday just gone (9th) was the second outing and I went out with a group of friends in the Village for our annual Christmas evening out. A nice evening was had with tasteful food at Velvet. However, getting ready and travelling to Manchester was longer than anticipated which basically took me 4/5 hours in total for an outing that was similar in length which I find bloody stupid! The journey included a visit to Transfixed to finish off getting ready which consequently was charged £25 when previously was £10. The rate had gone up due to increase costs and attempting to be fair in comparison with other services they offer. Fair enough but why did they not tell me on the phone before hand when I rang rather than wait until I got there to tell me! Talking about being miffed was an understatement and I had advised in future will make concentrated efforts to change at home!

Arriving eventually at Velvet, 25 minutes late was not something I enjoyed nor wanted to happen, therefore left me most frustrated and slightly tensed. Fortunately I manage to chill out to some degree, mainly thanks to the people who I was dining with the journey home at 1.00am being thankfully uneventful and straight forward. Arriving home still left me frustrated though and not for the first time, did not want to change out being KD when I was content in being the person I liked to be.

This left me thinking why has it got to be like this and how can it change for the future? An very interesting question but one currently I don’t have answers! The two outings combined have left me deflated and in reflective mood. However, I must accept I have made decisions about my life because that is what I want. Being with MR is more important to me than my personal needs which means I’m making some compromises and attempting to have the best of both worlds which at times I find difficult. Likewise I accept MR is making compromises too. May be the crux of the matter I do wish to be KD in appearance more often and easier to achieve when the opportunity arises but how I do this without further intruding into my family life routine and without hurting anyone at the same time? If only I knew the answers.

Ah well, only time will tell if anything changes but now not sure when my next outing will be. Could last Wednesday’s outing, be my last for this year, I hope not!

November 09 - Consideration & Respect.

Over the last few months MR has been more understanding of my needs although it is still difficult for her at times. Her consideration and thoughtfulness has not been unnoticed and I have acknowledged that. In consequence I do attempt to continue to be the person she really wants me to be no matter now hard it can be on the odd but frustrating occasion. MR seems to know I wish to go out more and often asks if I’m going this week - most replies from me and it is true I don’t know or not thought about it. As I’ve said previously I don’t make plans as something tends to crop up which prevents me from going out. Even this week, MR ask if I was going on a Christmas dinner evening but confirmed not, as difficult to make forward plans. Surprisingly she suggested why not stay the night which was nice but sadly not possible at this late stage. Regardless it is a positive step on MR’s part & has not gone unnoticed.

Another month over with and more of the same as for last couple of months. Visits to the Village and to Trans-pose and meeting some friends too but the highlight being MR coming out again with me which is always welcomed. As per previous occasion, a visit to Transfixed was also included to allow MR get her hair done but at least I arrived ready with just leaving me to do my nails. We ended up having a nice meal at Velvet and a visit to Manchester Concord as Marianne was singing. We enjoyed Marianne’s performance although because she does not have an Irish accent, the Irish songs did not have the same impact with us as we are regular visitors to Ireland and hear them with the twang. However, a special thank you to Diana who took time out to have a pleasant conversation with MR which was really appreciated.

The other occasion to the Village was for the Northern Angels Monthly evening meal which was the first I had been too this year! In the past I had been present on everyone including those that I organised too, but alas there is always something different to do. This particular evening was most enjoyable with good company - made better meeting Marlene for the first time (a lovely person), seeing Sandi (nice outfit) and Tina - the first I’ve seen her away from Trans-pose. May be I should participate more often in future?

The visit to the monthly meeting at Trans-pose was made a little different by arriving earlier and having a mini photo session with Teela, wearing one or two “different” outfits including a 1920’s theme and a typical tranny‘s outfit! LOL! I wont say much about the latter as it open to interpretation as what that it is but it is just my personal view and no offence meant. The 1920’s theme outfit was a pleasant surprise but it did work and produce one or two good images. The rest of the evening was spent mixing & chatting with new & old friends.

Currently working on a new but different outfit for an outing or two in the future and I had most of the items already. Just needed a black overbust corset which I purchase last week in London. Interestingly, I had it fitted while at an event (not as KD) and some unknown girls came up to me thought I was cool trying one on! The sales assistants initially could not figure out why I wanted one but when explained - everything dropped into place and most helpful & pleasant too.

So that sums up my month but leaves me a final comment to make and it is in relation to the Angels Forum which I belong and occasionally write a response or something. Unfortunately, the forum is not what it use to be and some members seem to be hell bent either intentionally or unintentionally seem cause arguments, trade insults, and occasionally make personal comments. In turn a few threads do end up getting locked to prevent further discussion and arguments. This in turn has understandably driven some members away & makes it harder for new members to participate. I have my views on what category of members seem to cause the problems but I will keep that to myself as no doubt I will the wrath of their thoughts which will only in turn confirm my thoughts were correct. However, the bottom line, some members need to back off, think twice what they write and most of all respect & consider other members views whether they are right or wrong. The forum is there to help, support assist, offer advice and make friends to every member who seeks it but it is not a battle ground for your own personal agenda! Hopefully it will get better in due course as the forum is and can be excellent place for TG members.

October 09 - Not much to report!

October turned out to be quiet month with only one outing which was on the 21st were I met up with Kate, Shirley & Diana in the Village for a meal. Prior to meeting them, I visited Trans-fixed and finally collected my photoshoot images. It was nice to be out again, just too long between outings I’m afraid which leaves me frustrated and at times, a little sad. However, I cant do much about that though. Kate, Shirley & Diana were pleasantly surprised to a “new” me referring to my causal outfit consisting of heels, dark jeans, t-shirt and short sleeve jumper complete with belt and my new hairstyle. They said it made me look younger but I will take their word for that. All in all it was a nice pleasant evening.

I was unable to get out earlier during the month due a short holiday and other matters needing attending too. While away, did manage to purchase a couple more items for my wardrobe which one was worn on my outing above. However, I did manage to attend Tea at Teela’s monthly meeting but due to a number of circumstances, it was really not possible or worth it to get change. So I ended up at the meeting feeling a little odd amongst all the girls. Mmmm sort of a weird feeling and not feeling right. I wonder what the girls thought of me though? In future, KD will just go. As mentioned, MR & I had a short holiday but just before we were leaving, Jane contacted me to see if I like to go out with her & Becky the following week. Sods law as usual as any other time, I would of said yes but alas I’m away. More frustration!

At the end of month, I had another IPL appointment and more “ouch”. Looking at the chin area especially, yes there has been some improvement but not much as I hoped for. I will have one more session in December and then make a decision one way or another. Also coming onto play is the cost as I don’t have a bottomless pit and there has got to be limit set I’m afraid not just in my interest but consideration to others too.

As for the coming month (November), hopefully I will get out 2/3 times at least but I know I will go to Tea at Teela’s at least. It would be nice get away from the Village but will I get the opportunity though?

September 09 - An unexpected outing.

Time to play catch up on my blog as its been a while and further more off on my travels shortly for a few days to totally chill out on a few pints of the black stuff! Frustratingly, two good friend's rang me today & ask if I wanted to go out next week which I would normally have said yes but eh sod's law intervened again! LOL!

Looking back at September, the highlight of the month was no doubt the surprised but unexpected outing with MR. Out of the blue MR asked if she could come out with me as KD and of course I jumped at the chance given past circumstances & feelings. As usual we decided it would be the Village for our outing and on the day, we had the unusual occurrence of both of us getting ready at the same time at home. While changing and secretly I had hatched a plan to visit Transfixed were Lisa & Zara had agreed for hair cut & restyle and a make-over, not me though but for MR! I thought this would be a nice way of appreciating MR willingness to come out with KD again. This clearly caught out MR with this surprise but it was a good way of MR meeting people who services I use occasionally. Finally we were ready and off we went. Duly arrived at Transfixed, MR met Lisa & Zara and they then proceeded to wave their magic on my dear partner. A couple of hours later, MR was well pleased with the results especially her new hair style - it was so good, she wants to go back in the future for her hair cut & style! After that we headed to the Village and had a nice meal at Taurus before making a quick visit to Manchester Concord. After that we headed home, both feeling happy and deeming the evening a success. For me, it was a positive step forward after recent events and hopefully another outing will occur in the future.

Due to home & family circumstances, I only manage to get out again once in the month and this time going to the monthly meeting at Transpose. However, I made this outing a little different by arranging to meet my sister at Cheshire Oaks before hand, a location I have never visited before and being closer to home too. Being a Monday evening, it was going to be quiet but a little shopping was had were I got myself a M&S coat I’ve been eyeing up for a while and also having our tea. Again, it felt all very natural to me being there with my sister but unfortunately it don’t happen enough. Having had a good chat with my sister, we went our separate ways and headed to Transpose. Arriving there, it became apparent some girls were surprised to see me as the last time I attended a meeting was over 6 months previously. The rest of the evening was just chatting & mixing with the girls.

As things turned out, that was the last time I got out as ongoing family matters curtailed further thoughts for this to happen but it was a question of priorities really, as they were the most important to me. Further more, by concentrating on these first, it would make my life a little easier in the future, not just for KD but financially too. As I write this (today being Friday, 9th October), I’ve not been able to get out and currently the next time will certainly be at least another 10 days. Yes very frustrating but patience will be rewarded.

Finally, another “ouch” session was had in order to attempt to get rid of the unwanted hair around the chin area which does not seem wish to disappear. On this occasion, there seem to be a concentrated effort by the clinic nurse to make this area better. A couple weeks later, there had been another improvement in that area, which has pleased me but still I think a couple more sessions are required. Due to numerous circumstances, my next session wont be until the end of October. May be this alteration in time spam may just catch those subborn hairs? Time will tell!

August 09 - Moving forward?

The month of August was a quiet stable month in the life of KD - makes a nice change but still with hiccup along the way too. This hiccup concerned matters between MR and I but finally got around to explaining now I felt and what was going through my head (via a letter) to MR. Her initial reaction was not what I was expecting but slowly as time gone by, there has been some improvement which is a positive step forward and something we can build upon for the future.

As indicated previously, manage to meet my sister in the Village but not before visiting Lisa & Zara at Transfixed beforehand. I took the opportunity of viewing my photoshoot images at the studio next door for the first time. Seeing the images was a mixture of curiosity & apprehension but on the whole, better than I expected. Chris, the photographer had already “airbrushed” a couple of images to show the improved version of myself which made me years younger than I am. Mmmm dare I say it 20 years younger which is really not me. It is amazing what “photoshop” can do but really I was more contented with the images of the way I look now. That is really me and I cannot get away from getting more mature as I get older. Likewise not sure I wish to have images that make me 20 years younger because it only makes me sad on the years I’ve lost / missed out not being the girl I wish to be! Anyway, in time and when money is a little more available, I will go back to Chris to finally select the images I wish to have and hopefully one or two will appear on my flickr site.

As previous indicated I met my sister for an enjoyable evening out and like girls do, had a good natter covering all matters of subject. My sister has just accepted who I am and just treats me as “normal”. Mmmmm here is that word again “normal” and what is the definition of that word? Answers on a Fifty pound note addressed to me please! A couple of weeks later, I also finally manage to catch up Diana (& Kate) again for a pleasant evening in the comfort zone (the Village). Certainly nice to see Diana again, its been a while since we last met each other but she was looking well never the less. I should not leave it so long in seeing friends I suppose? One thing for certain, I’ve noted that when I take on the appearance of KD, I more at ease with myself and it feels natural - has it taken me this long to finally realise this or just another step along the rocky road of being the person I wish to be or am?

Another “ouch” session been and gone with some minor improvements in the chin area which seems to be the stubborn area on my face. The rest of my shadow area is certainly a lot better than it was so was the expenditure worth it? Just say the jury is still out on this matter but I have been advised another two sessions probably required! No surprise there I suppose but I’ve got this far so let us have these two sessions and review the matter before finally calling it a day.

Finally got around to having a mini clear out of some clothes. Well, space wise, I just don’t have any for more purchases and further more there is no day light / air between my clothes hanging up in the wardrobes. Basically they are squashed in! Well why does a girl need 60 skirts for starters when you can only wear one at a time? The net result of this clearout was 15 skirts, about 10 tops, a coat and some shoes all went in the direction of Teela at “Transpose” for possible resale or to be used as part of her dressing service.

July 09 - A photoshoot, meeting friends & more “ouch”.

After the previous eventful outing, things in my head just went from bad to worst and quite a bit of it had now’t to do with KD. However, although my blog is about me and because of past interference, I am not going to write anything here, those thoughts will remain in my head and hopefully things will be sorted out eventually.

Another IPL appointment has been & gone and yet more ouch. This time the Clinic nurse upped the zapping rating by an extra couple of stops in order to attempt to get at the stubborn spots especially around the chin area. She thought I had not notice she increase it but thankfully my skin was not as sensitive as per previous occasions. In the last week or so, I have notice some improvement in the chin area so may be some progress is being made. I have one more definite appointment but I’m sure the Clinic Nurse may suggest another one or two appointments which I must consider in the circumstances.

Fortunately I manage another outing at the end of the month and again it was a last minute affair. It had been a while since I had a night in the Village and more importantly not seen some friends for a while, so time to play catch up? Having contacted Diana who unfortunately could not meet me due to a prior engagement, Kate agreed to meet and as she said a good excuse to get out. We had arranged to meet at Taurus for 8.00pm. However during the 24hrs leading up, I (& many other girls) received an e/mail from Transfixed with an offer of a makeover & free photoshoot for £50. Now I had said in the past I would not do a photoshoot but I thought oh what the hell, let us have a bit of fun and see if Transfixed could fit me at short notice. To my surprise Lisa & Zara confirmed they could for a 4.00pm appointment which was ideal, given the fact I’m meeting Kate at 8.00pm. Great!

I decided to get ready at Transfixed as Lisa & Zara were going to do my make-up anyway so I though it would be easier. The hardest problem to pick some outfits for the photoshoot & for going out afterwards. Mmmm not easy for a girl who has a big wardrobe! LOL. A number of outfits chosen (there seem to be a “grey” theme amongst them) and let the girls pick the outfits. Arrived at Transfixed, a little later than planned due to traffic and to my surprise, Leanne was there as I‘ve never seen her before but reversed applied too! LOL. Anyway, Lisa & Zara done my make-up and decided on three outfits for me all with a common “neutral” theme (grey!!) amongst them. For the next couple of hours, I changed into the outfits and got various photo’s taken in different poses and settings - all images taken by a male photographer who was patient but nice & pleasant too. It was a little amusing on my part for this to happen but I did actually enjoy it. By the time the shoot was finish, I was running late to meet Kate. Ooooops! Currently still have not seen the finish results of the images but I am looking forward to seeing them although I accept they will be touched up a little. Hey at least see what potential I may have! LOL!

By now I was a little over 50 mins late meeting Kate at Taurus but fortunately she remained patient & waited after I informed her of what was happening. For the rest of the evening, we caught up on old times and recent news & events, had an enjoyable meal and of course visited Manchester Concord late on. As we left MC, we bumped into Leanne who looked a little different along myself from last time we met a few hours earlier. I think we both prefer the later versions of ourselves! LOL!

Overall it was a nice few hours of being pampered and in the good company of a friend too - mmm may I should do it again somethime in the future but let us see the images first before I decide. Hopefully I will see them this coming Wednesday when I meet my sister in Manchester?