Its 2010 and start of a brand new year! Yes that much is true but beyond that I’m not sure. I ended 2009 on a optimistic note, thinking that the new year could be a good one. Mmmm well so far it is just the opposite. The rest of this entry is what you may call it thinking out aloud were some things are just silly thoughts, others not so but it is what is going through my mind at the moment.
So what has kicked this off? Simply one thing only - out of the blue at the beginning of the year and without asking me or even mentioning before it happen, I found out that my son’s girlfriend is now staying at our home. OK, the poor girl has (I think) no where else to go as family don’t seem to want her and unfortunately has no job, which means no money either! So she needs to stay somewhere that I understand and I’m not one for making someone’s misfortune worst then it should be. So what is the problem then?
In simple terms, I’m unable to be KD as clearly cant change at home and further more, I cant even pack anything away without raising suspicion by of all people, my son’s girlfriend, to get ready somewhere else. Unfortunately, she is permanently in the house and I have no idea of how long this is going on for! So a question I ask myself, where does I come into all this especially it is suppose to be my/our home and I happen to pay the household bills & mortgage. Alas I don’t have an answer as it don’t seem to matter!
I happen to mention this to MR, but she just brushed it off saying the girl has got to stay somewhere. Mention about my (KD) needs and the answer I was given, well you been out enough lately and I’m sure you live with it. Further into the discussion, MR suggests I’m on the defensive about KD! The latter which is no surprise as MR is attacking me so what else I am suppose to do? So there you have my present situation!
Now this situation is getting to me because I cannot be the person I wish to be at times. Two small things are assisting my torment at the moment, first, the current weather and secondly I need to visit dentist for a filling which appointment already made. So realistically, I could not go out anyway. But in over a week’s time the situation will be different and I would be arranging to go out, but I can’t because of the girlfriend problem. In between moments, I am having fits of depression and thinking (silly) numerous thoughts. I seem to be like a circus juggler but suddenly dropped one/two balls which smashed with the bits flying off all over the place. Given MR’s initial response, clearly there seems to be no sympathy or understanding of what I need or want. However, the various thoughts going through my head include cracking up slowly and end up in the funny farm, stuff everyone & do what I want, take afew days away, leave the family home and other stupid silly things that crop in my brain.
The stupid & confusing thing amongst all this, MR on one hand does / says nice things about KD (eg brought xmas present / says she notice I’m happy when out & about my with my friends) but on the other hand, seems to indicate, I’m on restricted ration in going out and I can live without KD for a while. Yet in the same token, she has a go at me on why I got all these clothes when I don’t wear them or more to the point opportunities to do so! Confused or what and yes we are going around in circles again. OK I doubt she realises what is going through my head at the moment either but god, I wish I had a magic wand and everything would be alright! Mmmmm life is not that simple.
May be it is just me, I’m in the wrong sometimes, thinking not straight, having selfish thoughts but on the other hand, I’m trying to be the good partner, attempting to understand MR’s thoughts about KD and how she see’s it too and also making compromises along the way. Yes it is hard for her, I don’t doubt that and not helped by the fact I don’t always understand “me” either, so how do I expect her to understand me too!
All this is just because of one thing! Oh I need some light at the end of the tunnel but currently just don’t see any! Can I continue like this or something has got to give! As I’ve stated, just thinking out aloud!
So what has kicked this off? Simply one thing only - out of the blue at the beginning of the year and without asking me or even mentioning before it happen, I found out that my son’s girlfriend is now staying at our home. OK, the poor girl has (I think) no where else to go as family don’t seem to want her and unfortunately has no job, which means no money either! So she needs to stay somewhere that I understand and I’m not one for making someone’s misfortune worst then it should be. So what is the problem then?
In simple terms, I’m unable to be KD as clearly cant change at home and further more, I cant even pack anything away without raising suspicion by of all people, my son’s girlfriend, to get ready somewhere else. Unfortunately, she is permanently in the house and I have no idea of how long this is going on for! So a question I ask myself, where does I come into all this especially it is suppose to be my/our home and I happen to pay the household bills & mortgage. Alas I don’t have an answer as it don’t seem to matter!
I happen to mention this to MR, but she just brushed it off saying the girl has got to stay somewhere. Mention about my (KD) needs and the answer I was given, well you been out enough lately and I’m sure you live with it. Further into the discussion, MR suggests I’m on the defensive about KD! The latter which is no surprise as MR is attacking me so what else I am suppose to do? So there you have my present situation!
Now this situation is getting to me because I cannot be the person I wish to be at times. Two small things are assisting my torment at the moment, first, the current weather and secondly I need to visit dentist for a filling which appointment already made. So realistically, I could not go out anyway. But in over a week’s time the situation will be different and I would be arranging to go out, but I can’t because of the girlfriend problem. In between moments, I am having fits of depression and thinking (silly) numerous thoughts. I seem to be like a circus juggler but suddenly dropped one/two balls which smashed with the bits flying off all over the place. Given MR’s initial response, clearly there seems to be no sympathy or understanding of what I need or want. However, the various thoughts going through my head include cracking up slowly and end up in the funny farm, stuff everyone & do what I want, take afew days away, leave the family home and other stupid silly things that crop in my brain.
The stupid & confusing thing amongst all this, MR on one hand does / says nice things about KD (eg brought xmas present / says she notice I’m happy when out & about my with my friends) but on the other hand, seems to indicate, I’m on restricted ration in going out and I can live without KD for a while. Yet in the same token, she has a go at me on why I got all these clothes when I don’t wear them or more to the point opportunities to do so! Confused or what and yes we are going around in circles again. OK I doubt she realises what is going through my head at the moment either but god, I wish I had a magic wand and everything would be alright! Mmmmm life is not that simple.
May be it is just me, I’m in the wrong sometimes, thinking not straight, having selfish thoughts but on the other hand, I’m trying to be the good partner, attempting to understand MR’s thoughts about KD and how she see’s it too and also making compromises along the way. Yes it is hard for her, I don’t doubt that and not helped by the fact I don’t always understand “me” either, so how do I expect her to understand me too!
All this is just because of one thing! Oh I need some light at the end of the tunnel but currently just don’t see any! Can I continue like this or something has got to give! As I’ve stated, just thinking out aloud!
1 comment:
Well, at least you're writing about it, and thinking.
Sorry that the ups and downs of circumstances are conspiring against you...
Post a Comment