Well, it has been two and half months since I’ve written in my “story” and even now there is some reluctance on my part to carry on with it. However, having taking the effort in the first place to record my life, it is only right that I continue with it but do it private with the exception of a few invited friends. In consequence, I have set up a new public blog just for general ramblings but not sure how much will be written on there though.
The “interference “ back in January did leave me with mix feelings and a lot of hurt inside me, some of which is still there and hard to shake off - may be with more time, it will heal? The big consequence of making my blog private, that my dear wife MR has no access to it anymore were previously she had the choice to view it. Is this a good or bad thing I do not know? However, we still do talk about KD matters from time to time but on my part there is some reluctance to discuss “me” and on occasions, give minimal answers or avoid fully the question / topic being raised. Sometimes, I don’t answer as I don’t wish to hurt my wife or really not sure myself what I want. It’s a constant struggle to find the right balance.
As far as MR is concerned, certainly since beginning of the year, has hardly played any part in KD’s life, preferring me just to get on with it as and when. Certainly when it comes to KD going out, MR simply prefers not to be around when I’m getting ready and especially finally ready to go out. MR has explained, she find’s this “hard” to see KD but really has not explained fully why? Certainly I do know she just wants her “man” but I think being “envious/jealous” of my appearance has got something to do with it too. Sadly, I attempt to avoid this but like all girls, I try to make myself presentable and looking the part too. Clearly in MR’s eyes, I succeed to some degree and in a way widens the gap between KD’s life and “our” husband/wife lives. Something I’m trying to avoid but its difficult again to find that right balance between the two. MR has noted on her last occasion’s of being out with me, she has notice how happy I am when being KD especially with my friends being about too. The fact is, it is true and I’m sure this play’s on MR’s mind to some degree.
Over the last few days, I have the feelings of being “alone” and wanting to be “KD” more often. Going out shopping, work etc as being “bob” is a struggle too, as I’m constantly looking and being jealous of real girl’s going about their everyday business. Always thinking, “I wish”! Not sure how to get around this mental problem but must find away somehow. Likewise, I’m unable to talk to MR or anyone else about this as it is not something that it is easily discuss but most of all, understand too hence while I feel “alone”.
The “interference “ back in January did leave me with mix feelings and a lot of hurt inside me, some of which is still there and hard to shake off - may be with more time, it will heal? The big consequence of making my blog private, that my dear wife MR has no access to it anymore were previously she had the choice to view it. Is this a good or bad thing I do not know? However, we still do talk about KD matters from time to time but on my part there is some reluctance to discuss “me” and on occasions, give minimal answers or avoid fully the question / topic being raised. Sometimes, I don’t answer as I don’t wish to hurt my wife or really not sure myself what I want. It’s a constant struggle to find the right balance.
As far as MR is concerned, certainly since beginning of the year, has hardly played any part in KD’s life, preferring me just to get on with it as and when. Certainly when it comes to KD going out, MR simply prefers not to be around when I’m getting ready and especially finally ready to go out. MR has explained, she find’s this “hard” to see KD but really has not explained fully why? Certainly I do know she just wants her “man” but I think being “envious/jealous” of my appearance has got something to do with it too. Sadly, I attempt to avoid this but like all girls, I try to make myself presentable and looking the part too. Clearly in MR’s eyes, I succeed to some degree and in a way widens the gap between KD’s life and “our” husband/wife lives. Something I’m trying to avoid but its difficult again to find that right balance between the two. MR has noted on her last occasion’s of being out with me, she has notice how happy I am when being KD especially with my friends being about too. The fact is, it is true and I’m sure this play’s on MR’s mind to some degree.
Over the last few days, I have the feelings of being “alone” and wanting to be “KD” more often. Going out shopping, work etc as being “bob” is a struggle too, as I’m constantly looking and being jealous of real girl’s going about their everyday business. Always thinking, “I wish”! Not sure how to get around this mental problem but must find away somehow. Likewise, I’m unable to talk to MR or anyone else about this as it is not something that it is easily discuss but most of all, understand too hence while I feel “alone”.
1 comment:
Hi, thanks for inviting me.
I hope things are at least a bit better for you.
From my own exprience I know it's difficult to find that balance and the feeling of being alone. I wish I had some answers. I sincerely hope you find some answers or get to a place where you are happier.
Take care and hopefully see you in June.
Karen
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