Late 2011 - Inner thoughts!

An interesting title heading you may think, well it is about my inner thoughts which is not for my public blog. Some things are always better kept private and this is one of these occasions. 

With the original blog going private, I have just concentrated on writing for my public blog which generally covers my general life about KD and associated things. However, within myself, its different especially what has happened over the last two years. not just about my life but also concerning my relationship / feelings for M.R. 

I am at the stage were I am comfortable with myself when presenting as KD - it feels so right, especially mentally but also in appearance. However, on the down side I do have big mood swings mainly because I cant be who I want to be accept on the occasional basis. I try to hide these from M.R. and the family because I have no choice. Or do I though? Over the last few months, I have seriously wonder whether to have a chat with my GP and see I should actually go the TS route. Realistically, going the whole way is not an option as I don’t have the money and the NHS understandably will think i am too old and money spent better elsewhere. But I still go as far as possible and taking some hormones etc to commence my part feminisation to eventually going full time. As a person I would be so much happier and content.     

However, life is not that easy and the huge major problems this would cause to M.R, and my children. I cannot imagine they would stand by me and I would ultimately lose a huge part of my life - a big big price to pay just to be “me”! A very major catch 22 situation indeed. On one hand to be “me”, the woman I’ve always wanted to be or continue to be the man of the house, the loving husband and father. Interestingly, M.R. has always had worries about this and understandably keeps requesting assurances that this is not what I want? I give her genuinely  and honestly those assurance’s all the time but as she say’s I keep moving the goal posts which really is true but only because I don’t know what the future holds which is very true also. However, I doubt M.R. would believe me especially if I discuss what I am thinking at the moment. 

So what do I do? Stay as things are now, hopefully some improvements happen at home which gives me more opportunities to be “me” or do I make that fateful and non-reversal decision and selfishly commence the route to full time KD?   Well leave this thought here for the time being and write about other things which concern and affect my life also and why the above thoughts are in my mind which I’m sure include the for and against arguments in making a decision or not. I suspect the latter I suppose as I don’t see a realistic alternative option sadly.