Sad & Confused

Well it’s mid September and making an entry in my blog - yes unusual but I feel its necessary on this occasion! I need to think out aloud!

I’m sure for those girls who know me and may be read this blog too, that on the whole, Im a lucky girl in having such a wonderful supportive partner but that is only possible through a lot of hard work and communication. However, that is the gloss on what at times, are difficult, emotional and hurtful occasions we have in order to achieve KD compromises. My dear partner has, there is no doubt on that, been a truly fantastic in attempting to deal & cope with KD, along with sharing the experiences too since she found out over 4 years ago. Better than I ever expected or deserved?

Following on my August entry, I had indicated & hopefully that KD matters could improve with MR after our holiday break? Well, we returned 9 days ago and things are just slowly getting worst! Upon our return and two days later, I had the unexpected opportunity to go out to the Village with Lisa K & other girls, also take the opportunity to visit NC as there was a talk about “TG safety“. So naturally ask if MR minded me going out & the answer was OK! Fine I thought as it had been over 3 weeks since KD made an appearance but how wrong though! It transpired afterwards that MR was not pleased and could not understand the need to do so soon after our holiday break? I could not see a problem in that but I was puzzled by such a reaction. On one hand MR says she don’t mind, on the other she does!! Confused?

Anyway MR was aware that I had plans to go tonight (Wed) and had been to Teela’s monthly meeting just gone but after this, had no idea of any other outings on the horizon! But regardless, MR was still not pleased that I gone out on Monday nor going out tonight! Well, to keep things on an even keel, cancelled tonight all together although I suspect this will lead on to another discussion?

Over the weekend, we had a discussion about KD matters with MR indicating she does not want to go out with me in the foreseeable future for a number of reasons, some of which I can fully understand. Other reasons just could not understand the logic or reasoning behind them as I could not see the points / issues in question (sorry, this is not the place to post them). The bottom line was MR says (along with others) that I look good & confident but strange it may seem, I don’t have that feeling! Also one of jealously/envious over my appearance with regards to my figure (size 14), clothes etc but this is because my fantastic wonderful lady has always been of the larger frame (size 20) since I’ve known her (35 yrs). This I’ve always excepted because it is the person underneath that matters to me and also just as importantly, MR has the clothes and always looks good when she goes out too. Yes I’ve told her that on many an occasion but it seems to make no difference - why I cannot fathom that out! Likewise, my build has not change since my teens, so always been in effect a Size 14 - is that my fault, no it is just the way I am in the same way MR is. However, MR keeps saying I just don’t get it! May be I really don’t?

Also MR keeps telling me repeatedly that I keep moving the goalposts from what I thought I wanted as KD nearly three years ago! OK fair point but no one knows what the future holds and like everyone else, aren’t we not allowed to change out minds? Yes, I’ve changed, there is no doubt about that but who would not after being a secret CD for over 30 yrs and then suddenly have some freedom? However, it has always been with the full knowledge of MR as & when I’ve done things but also with encouragement & support on many occasion too. Yes I like being KD also being more & more in my life as time goes on but MR is understandably worried about this too. Likewise MR has seen a nice softer change in my personality which she also likes - much better than the old “bob”!! The one thing that has stayed consistent in all the time she has known, now over 4 years, I don’t wish to take hormones, etc and go down the TS route - it don’t interest me and I keep reassuring her that too, because its true!

Again since finding out, I’ve made willingly made compromises / sacrifices in order to be KD. These included, keeping my body hair (she loves it), and KD does not come into “our” bedroom, nor wears anything femme in there and in "bob" mode either. At the end of the day, she stills want her “man”, that I understand and accept - I try my hardest to be that person and think I succeed? Also “we” have agreed not to tell our family about KD either because we think that is the right decision otherwise there would be major repercussions with in the family which we may never recover from. Yes our current family life is good and why should we upset it? However, this is a concern because KD has always got to be cloak & dagger when going out and MR is understandably worried by this, in case of an unintentional slip up.

Since we first met each other over 30 yrs ago, I have always made sure that my partner (& family) have never wanted for anything. I have always supported my partner in the good & bad times, attempted to be the good loving husband / friend , we have a got a nice home, a car, have holidays - in fact a good life style. Yes my partner has very much contributed to that too, there is no doubt about that! Over the last few years, MR has been going through the change in life, and I have been very patient, understanding, supportive and occasionally frustrated too but I’m always there for her regardless - you know the shoulder to cry on / the battering ram to hit, but can’t I have some understanding & support back or is this too much to ask for? I did not ask to be a T-Girl, it is part of me and has been since child hood, so is that my fault?

I accept MR had no choice in finding out about KD - ideally and of course better to have known from the beginning but it is not as easy as that though in real life. In the circumstances, it is really a lot for MR to take on and to her credit has been marvellous at times but why the change of thoughts over the last couple of months? May be it would of been better, if she never found out about KD, I would not writing this and being in the confused state that I'm in now. Oh to turn the clock back but then again, I cannot!

Currently, I’m a very confused sad person, not knowing what to say or do! I feel I’m slowly heading back into the closet, losing my confidence and wondering were this is heading too? MR is no doubt wondering the same thing too but I don’t have the answers at the moment, I wish I did!

The big question really, is what does the future hold? Of course only time will tell but this I can say from my heart, I really do love MR, she means everything to me and my life would be empty without her. May be there is light at the end of the tunnel but I just cannot see it at the moment, yes tomorrow may be better but lets get today out of the way first.

I’m sure I will add or amend what I’ve written above but I suppose no surprise given my present mental condition! If you got this far, thanks for your time.