Well sitting at home on my own for the 3rd consecutive day and now feeling sorry for myself! MR who normally works part-time has been working full time for these 3 days so has given me some free time which I knew in advance. Yeah I thought a chance for KD to get out (well it has been over 3 weeks) but what happened, absolutely nothing! Tomorrow I’m back at work for 5 consecutive days and may be I’m better off there, at least I have some one to talk too and look at some of the nice girly clothes that I could dream of wearing!
OK I know what some girls will be saying, what is stopping you from going out as KD? Nothing I suppose but I don’t wish to go out on my own when I’m KD. I can do plenty of that when in “bob” mode which I do enjoy but I don’t wish to repeat this as KD. I wish to go out with other T-Girl friends but for numerous reasons, it ain’t happening! I read other girls blogs, some are inspiring, others well at least I feel better than they do, therefore count myself lucky. However, you read about some of the girly adventures to the shops, lunches etc and you do wish you were part of it, alas I’m not and then I feel left out & sad. Why bother reading them in the first place?
I can’t even be bother to dress at home because of the fear of someone dropping in, namely any of my children. I was going to meet another “new” girl this week and that was to be in “bob” mode which I’m not keen on. The idea was that the “new” girl gains some confidence etc in preparation for her first outing in the near future. However, it has not been possible but I'm sure it will happen.
Thinking about going out in the future, yes there is Lisa’s evening out in the Village next week but I’m not sure I wish to go! Yes the company will be good but it is the same routine / place again and that is not what I want. No doubt I will go but with reservations! A few days later, it will Teela’s monthly meet which should be good & interesting for a number of reasons but besides those two possible outings there is absolutely nothing. In fact do I have any real girl friends who wish to go out with me - I’m beginning to think I don’t unfortunately but that ain't true (is it)?
I’m sure things will perk up eventually and will see things differently but currently I’m sad, lonely and emotionally drained. Yes, as I’ve said, I’m feeling sorry for myself but being a T-Girl is not always fun & laughter you know?
3 comments:
I agree Kay. Not always fun and laughter. I think we're on the same page in that "presenting as a female" is not enough in its own right, and why should it be ? Life is of course about friends, experiences, family and relating to other human beings. We just happen to have identity issues. So you're entitled to be sad somedays. I myself, know now that good days eventually follow bad days. And perhaps also that "living on the fringes" means it is hard to gain really good friends. That is a challenge for anyone I think. And you're welcome around for a coffee !
I am truly sorry you are feeling down Kay.
I can relate to what you mean the same routine / place when it comes to nights out in the Village - I have felt the same in the past, as well you know. The real world can be fun, even on your own, although I am sure everyone would agree that it is good to have company.
I did promise a little while ago to try and fix to meet you somewhere, sometime. I know that hasn't happened, but there have been reasons - and there is far more going on in my life at the moment than will be apparent from my "public" posts. I need a few weeks (if everything goes to plan), or it may be a few months (if things don't), but once my current "problems" are resolved, I will keep my promise.
Hang on in there Kay - life has it's ups & downs - but trust an expert at ups & downs, it will get better again.
Jennifer xx
Well what can I say to Nicky & especially Jenny other than saying "Thank You" for your warm words of comfort. Your words Nicky are so true and prehaps "living on the fringes" is the real problem as you are neither here or there? Yes, Jenny you know better than anyone about the ups & down, as you say hang in there & things will get better? Who am I to argue with that?
Currently I am having daily ups & downs, one minute I'm fine, next minute I feel depressed which is a horrible feeling. Hopefully my past personal experience about depression will guide me through. Mmm its a constant battle at the moment but I will continue to remember what I've written on my blog introduction. Once again, girls, thank you.
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