Yes, its not quite the end of the month but it don't seem any point in waiting for it to come, as things won't change in the interveneing period.
Currently, life is / has been a roller coaster during July and things are not getting any better! The only good thing in this period, that MR & I are just getting on great even though life is not treating MR too kindly at the moment and this has nothing to do with KD matters either. Certainly for the immediate future, I just have to be there to support her!
As for KD, well she is really struggling with numerous things and has no idea what to do! May be a sense of depression is setting in again - the signs are there that I am aware from a previous experience of a few years ago - that led me to been off work for 5 months. Part of that problem was something to do with loosing faith/trust with other people as no one seem to be interested in me as a person! Am I that horrible? Do I actually have any real friends - it does not seem so! I know, silly talk but its gets you like that and you start to believe it! Don't worry girls, I'm not going to do anything stupid - too much to live for, that I do know.
I have not been out since Sparkle yet I've had a couple of opportunities but alas there were reasons why I choose not too! Yet I do wish to go out, that I do know - there is no doubt in my mind but certainly going out in large groups just don't appeal to me no more. However, I know I will go to the occasional group outing but not like in the past though. Some girls, will no doubt suggest, I contact other's for an outing etc but alas I won't! Why? Mmmm the fear of rejection plays a part in not asking as that could make things worst for me - something I'm trying to avoid! Yes a Catch 22 situation! At the same time, I just don't want to end up visiting the Village again although it is a great area - I need more than that. Juggling with my personal life / responsibilities and attempting fit in KD is not getting any easier either but that is something I've got to get on with and find the best solution without affecting my fantastic relationship with MR - that cannot change, MR means too much to me!
I continue to read some threads on the Angel's forum but I find no inspiration from there either, in fact its more the opposite for numerous reasons. It seems to be girls having great things happening / enjoying their outings or they are being totally "bitchy" with each other - neither at this current time I want to know about. Likewise I won't post anything on there about "me" - why should I bother others, when thay have there problems etc? Besides which I have this blog for that purpose!
Next month, I have a date with my sister, something I have looked forward too but as times gets nearer, I'm beginning to wonder should I actually go? The way I feel, it seems "confidence" is slowly draining away from me and end up not being the KD I wish her to see! Besides that possible outing, there is nowt on the horizon but that is partly to do with me again.
The only good thing during this month (from KD's point of view) that further clothes purchases have been made from a couple of favourite shops of mine but alas I wondering why I buying them especially I have very limited opportunties to wear such clothes! This is just crazy in my mind but obviously hoping that things will change - yes remember KD, light at the end of the tunnel but this is a long tunnel on this occasion!
Currently, life is / has been a roller coaster during July and things are not getting any better! The only good thing in this period, that MR & I are just getting on great even though life is not treating MR too kindly at the moment and this has nothing to do with KD matters either. Certainly for the immediate future, I just have to be there to support her!
As for KD, well she is really struggling with numerous things and has no idea what to do! May be a sense of depression is setting in again - the signs are there that I am aware from a previous experience of a few years ago - that led me to been off work for 5 months. Part of that problem was something to do with loosing faith/trust with other people as no one seem to be interested in me as a person! Am I that horrible? Do I actually have any real friends - it does not seem so! I know, silly talk but its gets you like that and you start to believe it! Don't worry girls, I'm not going to do anything stupid - too much to live for, that I do know.
I have not been out since Sparkle yet I've had a couple of opportunities but alas there were reasons why I choose not too! Yet I do wish to go out, that I do know - there is no doubt in my mind but certainly going out in large groups just don't appeal to me no more. However, I know I will go to the occasional group outing but not like in the past though. Some girls, will no doubt suggest, I contact other's for an outing etc but alas I won't! Why? Mmmm the fear of rejection plays a part in not asking as that could make things worst for me - something I'm trying to avoid! Yes a Catch 22 situation! At the same time, I just don't want to end up visiting the Village again although it is a great area - I need more than that. Juggling with my personal life / responsibilities and attempting fit in KD is not getting any easier either but that is something I've got to get on with and find the best solution without affecting my fantastic relationship with MR - that cannot change, MR means too much to me!
I continue to read some threads on the Angel's forum but I find no inspiration from there either, in fact its more the opposite for numerous reasons. It seems to be girls having great things happening / enjoying their outings or they are being totally "bitchy" with each other - neither at this current time I want to know about. Likewise I won't post anything on there about "me" - why should I bother others, when thay have there problems etc? Besides which I have this blog for that purpose!
Next month, I have a date with my sister, something I have looked forward too but as times gets nearer, I'm beginning to wonder should I actually go? The way I feel, it seems "confidence" is slowly draining away from me and end up not being the KD I wish her to see! Besides that possible outing, there is nowt on the horizon but that is partly to do with me again.
The only good thing during this month (from KD's point of view) that further clothes purchases have been made from a couple of favourite shops of mine but alas I wondering why I buying them especially I have very limited opportunties to wear such clothes! This is just crazy in my mind but obviously hoping that things will change - yes remember KD, light at the end of the tunnel but this is a long tunnel on this occasion!
Well, I've rambled enough but do I feel any better for writing this - probably not, in fact may just regret it and say how silly I was! Last word which is to MR - I love you and always will.
1 comment:
KD, you know we are here for you.
Di
xxx
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