Hello blog, I’m back again! The start of the year is not beginning to be a good one and MR had more bad news hearing the death of her close Auntie which was the last thing to wanted or needed to hear. Now another funeral to attend but this time in London! However, that is life for you when things are not going for you. Again, I’m attempting to the supportive and caring partner which currently is a little hard at the moment as gradually I’m getting more & more fed up!
Well I’ve already mentioned about MR not wanting to come out with me again which was fair enough but in the last week or so, further what I would say one way discussions have been going on which has dented me even more and beginning to think what does the future hold for KD? MR has suggested that being KD, means it is having an effect in the way she fancies me. For personal reasons I’m not going to say much more on this but just does not me make me feel any better to say the least and makes me sad in the process. In many ways, I’m questioning many more things now and as usual don’t find any answers.
So OK, MR don’t want to go out with KD anymore and I‘m not the man I use to be. Well fair enough, there are reasons for that which I accept but don’t make me feel any good. But now MR turns around says she don’t want to be around when I’m getting ready to go out as she has difficulty in seeing me as she puts it “looking good”! MR had said “don’t take this the wrong way” but I said fine but thinking about it, what way am I suppose to take it though? That I’m not sure and consequently I sense it is getting harder to be the person I wish to be sometimes. MR suggested she would go out when I get ready! Oh yes, I’m going to chuck my wife out of her own house while I get change - I don’t think so!
Looking at this in a wider sense, although in the last couple of years I’ve hardly dressed at home, this is definitely not going to happen in the future even if I wanted too! I already find attempting to go out difficult as it is, because it is a military type regime anyway when KD needs to get ready as I can only do it in the knowledge that of the rest of the family are not around. This includes my eldest son who still lives at home and never knowing (outside work hours) what he is doing (ie staying in / going out). This in consequence puts me a position that I can only make provisional plans at best to go out but need to wait on the day if circumstances are OK to get ready. Now with the additional problem that MR don’t wish to see KD, this is going to make it even more difficult and opportunities to go out even less than they are now!
Also, I have comments why have you got all these clothes when you don’t wear them when I don’t go out often. A good / fair question I suppose but there lies the rub - I love to go out more often, there is no doubt about that but with the limited opportunities I have already along with attempting to keep the “peace” and protecting my family life, as that is important to me - I just can’t get out! You know thinking about this and looking back, since the last week in October, I’ve been dressed & out 3 times and that was all in one week in December! It is now mid January and still can’t see anything on the horizon given the present circumstances!
MR asks am I OK as obviously senses that I’m quieter than normal. However, what do I say to her without using her words “don’t take this the wrong way” , which in turn knowing her after 35 years, she will! So I say now’t to keep the peace and hoping things will change for the better! OK I know, some people, me included say the only way to resolve this matter is that you must talk to each other! Yes you are right but I sense this will make things worst and could damage our special loving relationship. This I don’t want to do and consequently I’m keeping everything within and in turn, taking the burden that it is me that should suffer and no one else? May be I’m going back into the closet but why should I let MR suffer and may be hurt her more than I've already done over the last 5 years?
Many times in the last week, I’ve wanted to cry but have held it back because “big boys don’t cry” but this girl wants too though! I have no idea want to do or say to anyone, let alone MR and beginning to feel I’m losing it bit by bit! Yes I need to talk to someone but they wont have any answers either, so what is point then?
Thinking more (again), I have begun to realise that I really don’t have many friends - certainly what I call close ones anyway but that is down partly to my life & circumstances I’m in. But looking at it further, over a period of time, I have encouraged closeted girls to get out and in a few cases being their guardian on the first date out! So you think you would make some good friends along the way - yes I’ve met & know some nice girls but that is it. I feel there is nothing else being achieved or gained on that front. So I’ve now made the decision reluctantly that I will not encourage or be guides again to “newie” girls. The bottom line, what is the point and people are just using me for their ends yet again! I had enough of that in my “bob” life but believe me it not going to happen again! Very sorry girls!
Well it is time for bed, work again in the morning and back to the usual daily routine of only thinking about being KD, but being “bob” in every other aspect of my life. Mmmmm what next I wonder but I will end this entry with these words -
I LOVE YOU M.R. , MORE THAN YOU CAN EVER REALLY IMAGINE,
YOU ARE SIMPLY MY LIFE! xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
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