January 2009 - Silly thoughts & Circles

Hello Blog again! You seem to be like me, feeling alone and no one taking any notice of you! Regardless, it is a place I can think aloud and look back to see what was going on at any given time in my life.

Yes I am writing here but really this should not be happening at this current time. Mmmm I should be KD and out at Teela’s in Ellesmere Port but alas circumstances have contrived to work against me again! This is all I can do, is think about being KD at least in appearance again! Writing this, I’m not sure I’m even thinking straight and may be loosing the plot bit by bit? I’m sure I will find out in due course!

Yes I had some plans to go out tonight but as I did not arrive home from work until 3.45pm, when it was suppose to be 2.15pm instead, this meant I had not enough time to have my dinner and get ready before my son got home at 5.00pm. Now I have no idea when I will get out again - may be Saturday but then again may be not. I just have no idea which is tearing me apart inside. I spent an hour this PM, crying and feeling - well I just don’t know what!

Since my last entry, MR & I have spoken to each other about KD which was more hurt and a number of “silly” thoughts being said which neither of us wish to consider and we find it frightening. However, we both concluded we are just going around in circles and have been for quite a while now with little or no real progress being made on how to deal with me as KD. Yes we will battle on and go around in another circle until the next time but how many circles can we continue to go around in the future. This is thought that both of us do NOT wish to consider but something may have to give sooner or later. Although MR feels she is one that is to blame in this because she is unable to fully accept KD, I know that no KD, no issue to begin with but if we went our separate ways, it would be me who would ultimately lose everything and that I think would be one step to many regardless the freedom of KD could get. Mmmm it is a personal sacrifice that I cannot think about and this scares the hell out of me. I’m sure MR feels the same but at least she would have the support of the children & friends. Me, may be my sister but that is it! Oh for xxxx sake what is going on here and oh I wish KD would go away but she can’t - she is part of me, in fact she is me!

I spoke to my sister yesterday but did not ask for her thoughts etc as I knew it would be one sided thinking that she understandably take my side? Yes, may be but she did come up with a suggestion, that may be MR & I should talk to a counsellor who deals with TG issues and see if we are able to find common ground and compromises so we can make some progress and attempt to stop going around in circles. Yes a good suggestion but are there any (TG) counsellor’s. This was mentioned to MR and she said the same thing, are there any? Well at least we seem to agree, may be an option if we can overcome finding that person?

Inside me, I (KD) feel’s that no one cares or understands but with “bob”, yes I know some people do care especially MR. I go on the “Angels Forum” and note there are some girls who seem to be in a similar position, although I’ve made a couple of comments on both threads & hints about my situation - no one seems to be bothered about it. No I’m not one for posting my problems on the forum as that is what my blog is for but likewise no one seems to be reading my blog either, as I have no “comments”! This suggests to me, no one has time nor really bothered about other people? Again, none of my friends have even contacted me to see if I’m OK which seems to say a lot! May be they are too busy enjoying themselves to care? Harsh may be, but when you are down, all sorts of thoughts come into your head!

Ah well, I’ve said enough and writing this has not made me any better, nor provided any answers or even some clear thinking - so why am I writing it! I have not got a xxxxxx clue!